This is my first post since the wedding. This is because I have not had the internet for 3 fucking months. This is through no fault of my own mind you. It's a classic case of everything being stacked against you for no apparent reason. You try to get something to work, something seemingly simple, but it turns into an epic battle against all that is evil and wrong with telecommunications companies.
About 3 months ago I called Verizon after searching for any type of service that I could scrounge up. Philly wireless had problems with places above two stories and all of the indy companies didn't deliver service to my area. So I was going to be stuck with either Verizon or Comcast. Since I hate Comcast and their service is overpriced and always bundled with shit you don't need Verizon seemed to be the best choice. They offered basic DSL service without having to get a phone line. A sweet deal indeed. This would be the last of my good fortune for months.
I call up Verizon and wait while jamming out to some sweet elevator music. I wasn't too annoyed at this point and I hadn't heard any good background music in a while. I get an operator and try to explain the offer that I found on their website. They didn't understand. How can you have DSL without having a phone line? I told them I don't know. A few days later I called back, this time with the specifics of the deal. It seemed that this was a good deal and that they try not to offer it to people so they can charge them for a phone line that they wouldn't otherwise get because they don't actually need it. But, alas, they signed me up and said a modem was in the mail.
Two fucking weeks later I find a note on my door saying that they could not deliver the modem to my apartment because nobody was home. This turns out to be a problem that will plague me probably until I move out of this apartment. Of course no one is home during the weekday between 10 and 4. No matter how many times you come during those times and leave notes the apartment will still be vacant. I left a note on the door saying to call me when outside and I will come and get the package (I just work a few blocks away). I decide to come home early because there is nothing to do at work and I can be sure to catch the ups guy. I realize I have some books due at the library, which is only a few blocks away so I ride my bike to the library and back as quick as I can. 15 minutes max. When I get up to my door I see another note saying they tried to call me and I didn't pick up. I must not have heard it while I was riding my bike. Sonofabitch. I know what this means. Now I have to trech all the way down to the furthest reaches of South Philly just to pick up my package.
Thankfully, Shannon's mom lives down there and could drop it off on her way to work across the street from our place. I get the modem and sigh in relief. I plug it in, pop in the software and...
fucking nothing. It's not receiving any signal from the jack. I get a little upset but use my techy skills to try and figure out what's wrong. Maybe it's the jack. I desparately search the apartment for another phone jack. Aha! There's one behind my bed. This means that I have to move my desktop into my room. A hassle but anything for internets. Okay. Now it is picking up a faint signal but the software won't let me get past a certain screen. I call Verizon. This is where the fun actaully begins. I am realizing now that this story is going to take a really long time to tell. If anyone is still reading this I apologize for the length but owe it to the long journey I had to take to get the internet to document exactly how things could go so absurdly wrong. I guess it's more for me than any reader. However, this is when the story actaully starts getting funny.
You have to enter the phone number associated with the account to get in touch with the internet people. This has to be a Verizon number and since I didn't get a Verizon phone with my internet the automated system leaves me to fend for myself. After travelling through a variety of departments, all separated by lengthy loops of softcore porn music I start to get a little frustrated. At just about this time the music stops. I am assured that Verizon cares about me and values my time. The profanity begins, but in a relaxed sarcastic way. Nothing like being told your time is valued by a computer and then have no one pick up the phone for another ten minutes.
I finally reach a human after tens of wrong departments leading back to the same menu. They ask for my phone number. I explain the deal I'm getting and that I don't have a phone number with Verizon. They seem perplexed and suggest I just give them any of my numbers. Imagine my surprise when that doesn't work. I tell them to look up my name instead. The fact that I had to suggest that after minutes of trying to figure out how I could have no Verizon phone service but still be getting internet from them foreshadows the level of incompetancy that I would be dealing with for the next two months. But hey, they find my name and seemed surprised that it worked.
I end up going through two more departments of tech support and internet services until someone finally tells me why it's not working. Aparantly they haven't "activated" my account. I say that my account activation date was two days ago. They make me wait while they check on something. It turns out that they are doing an overhaul of the department and they wanted to clear some stuff before they activate my account. Bullshit. Something went wrong and they have no idea why my account isn't activated. It was a nice attempt at a cover but it was poorly executed. I asked why it was delayed and they couln't say exactly. I then asked how long I would have to wait and they tell me maybe a week. I hang up.
I call back after a week of moving my computer back and forth and trying again and again to set up the account (all I'm waiting for is the accoutn to be actiuvated). After the maze of music and automation (by this time the music makes me want to shave my head, paint a bullsye on it, and run into the FBI building downtown naked) I am directed to someone that can help. I inquire about my activation date and they inform me that I had cancelled my account and my activation date. I informed them that that was impossilbe. They asked why. Because I didn't cancel my account. They seemed confused. Why would I cancel my account if I still wanted service?
I call back after a couple of minutes of relating to suicide bombers and start a fresh. I know that my account has now been cancelled but how can I re-activate it and get service? I'm sorry sir but you have to start the whole proccess over again. We'll send you another modem. Before even explaining to them why that is a waste of everyone's time and thier money because I obviously already have a modem I hang up the phone.
After a day or two I call back out of desperation. I set up the account again and am told that my activation date will be in a few days. Maybe this time I'll get lucky. Me and Shannon have been trying to plan a wedding now for a month without internet. Not an easy thing to do. At this point I'd probably trade in a body part of their choice for internet. Going to internet cafes with a laptop that is infected with a dibilitating virus just to check my e-mail is getting old.
There is a note on my door saying that I missed a package from Verizon. I laugh and throw it away.
A week or so goes by and my internet is still not working. I dread it but I make the call to Verizon. The music and automated menus are all too familiar to me now. Finally someone picks up. I tell them the spiel. My account is still not activated. I ask him why they don't want to take my money. He doesn't know why the account isn't activated so he tries to make up some bullshit about them running something through. He knows I know it's bullshit but the call is being monitored so he has to say something to cover up the fact that there is absolutely no explanation for why this is. I ask him if there is anyone I can talk to that could activate my account. There has to be someone that physically does something that activates my account (whether through a computer or not). I want to speak to this person.
He transfers me to another department who is as clueless as he is. I realize that no one knows how any of this works. There is no one person, or even department for that matter, that could be held accountable for anyhting because no one knows how anyhting works or how to fix it. Reflecting on conversations of the past I realize that their job consists mainly of making up excuses for things that go wrong that they have nothing to do with and have no idea how to fix. The wedding is coming up and I don;t have time to be on the phone for two hours every night any more. I call to up to cancel the service. After waiting for a half an hour to speak with someone (which wasn't as bad knowing I wouldn;t ever have to do it again) I finhally get through to subscription services. This is all automated mind you. I finally come across an option some 20 levels deep into the proccess to cancel service. A voice comes on to tell me that Verizon is sorry about the wait but they are very busy at the moment and they won't be able to take my call. They proceed to hang up on me.
So they cancel my service somehow when I actaully want it and refuse to let me cancel after they've wasted a solid thirty hours of my life with no explanation. They waste the time and money to send me two modems and then refuse to activate my account which is the only step they have to take for me to pay them gobs of money for providing me with little to no actual service. This just seems like a bad business model. It's enough to make you laugh, cry, question humanity, and then be really fucking pissed off that you still don't have internet and you desparately need it to plan your fucking wedding.